


How to Know if Your Crush Likes You Back, and Other Advice for Students

by olympvs, poppyseedheart, yeswayappianway



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Radio, F/F, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Music, Mutual Pining, Podfic, Podfic Length: 45-60 Minutes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-05
Updated: 2020-09-05
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:22:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26075605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/olympvs/pseuds/olympvs, https://archiveofourown.org/users/poppyseedheart/pseuds/poppyseedheart, https://archiveofourown.org/users/yeswayappianway/pseuds/yeswayappianway
Summary: BEAU: Thanks for tuning in, hope you found some cool new music to listen to. Gonna play us out with one more song and then I’m turning it over to Fjord for — oh shit, wait, not Fjord. God, I keep forgetting.BEAU: Next up is Jester, who’s covering for Fjord for the next few months while he’s doing Semester at Sea. She’s doing this now because she’s the only other morning person on the entire radio team, yuck. But give her a warm welcome, I think she’s a little nervous.BEAU: That was a joke, by the way. Jester’s never nervous. She just— okay. Here’s the last song. See you guys on Tuesday.
Relationships: Jester Lavorre/Beauregard Lionett
Comments: 18
Kudos: 45
Collections: Pod_Together 2020





	How to Know if Your Crush Likes You Back, and Other Advice for Students

**Author's Note:**

> Featuring:  
> yeswayappianway as Beau  
> olympvs as Jester  
> poppyseedheart as everyone else
> 
> Rejected tags for this story: The Mortifying Ordeal of Realizing You're Gay While on the Radio, Caleb's Sleep Schedule - Freeform, Caduceus Is a Radio Prodigy, Communicating Feelings Via Songs About Women, Ambiguous/Open Accent - Fjord
> 
> We spent a while figuring out the shape of this and we’re really happy with how it turned out! Also, you can find a complete list of the songs used at the bottom of this fic.

How to Know if Your Crush Likes You Back, and Other Advice for Students - 48:07 - 35.5 MB - [archive.org mp3 link (download and streaming)](https://archive.org/details/how-to-know-if-your-crush-likes-you-back-and-other-advice-for-students_202008)

/

End of [I Need a Woman to Love by Kesha] plays, fade out.

BEAU: So that was I Need a Woman to Love by Kesha, hope you liked it. Or not, whatever. Who’s even listening right now? It says I have thirteen listeners, so, hey, you guys are probably pulling all nighters or something. What was it Yasha was saying about my show? Too late for the night owls, too early for the early birds. Something like that. Anyway, I’m done taking listener calls, because we’re coming up on 5 A.M., so let’s wrap it up.

BEAU: Thanks for tuning in, hope you found some cool new music to listen to. Gonna play us out with one more song and then I’m turning it over to Fjord for his ass o’clock motivational— oh shit, wait, not Fjord. God, I keep forgetting.

BEAU: Next up is Jester, who’s covering for Fjord for the next few months while he’s doing Semester at Sea. You might know her guest appearances on my show and others. She’s doing this now because she’s the only other morning person on the entire radio team, yuck. But give her a warm welcome, I think she’s a little nervous.

[pause]

BEAU: That was a joke, by the way. Jester’s never nervous. She just— okay. Here’s the last song. See you guys on Tuesday.

[Bye You by Bearaxe]

/

JESTER: Hi guys!! Oh my gosh, the sun isn’t even up yet. How does Fjord do this without getting lonely? He’s all like, [Southern accent] Hey, it’s me, Fjord, and I’m really cool and do this show alone.

JESTER: Beau just left and no one else is here, obviously, because it’s five in the morning, but I'm here! And I'm so excited to talk to you guys today.

JESTER: Soooo this morning I got up at like 4:15 and then I was like, oh no! I'm gonna be late! So I took a super quick shower and then I put on just a _little_ bit of makeup, like, around my eyes, you know, so I wouldn't look so tired, and then I got here and said hi to Beau but she had to leave right away so it's just me. I’ll probably see her later, though. Last month we hung out like every day for two weeks which was awesome so I want to do that again soon but we’re both so busy with school and stuff. Maybe I’ll see her around more at the station though! If she’s not too tired after her show. She could hang out a little in here with me, maybe.

JESTER: Goooood morning~. Did I say that already? I don't know.

JESTER: Anyways, what's up you guys? If you haven't listened to me on the radio before then let me introduce myself. I'm Jester Lavorre, I like pop music mostly but not _only_ , and I have a very strong passion for helping everyone find out the best places to get the best snacks and sweets and stuff. It might seem kind of early for sugar but is it ever too early, though? Exactly.

JESTER: I will also sometimes answer your questions you email me during the week! Which will be fun I think. But for right now let me start by playing a song to get you hyped up for your day!

[I Want Candy by Bow Wow Wow]

JESTER: Yeah! Now that you're suuuper amped, let's start talking about the pros and cons of going to the two closest candy shops to campus. [fading out] See I think they're almost the same but I was talking to Caduceus and he said...

JESTER: [fading in] And _that's_ why you should never let anyone tell you that you have to limit your intake of rock candy.

JESTER: Oh wow, you guys, it's time for my shift to end! Wow, that was so quick. Thank you so much for listening~ I love you, have a good day!

/

BEAU: What's up losers? Sorry, sorry, Fjord always tells me I'm being too aggressive on this show. Though, he is gone now, so it's not like he can stop me.

BEAU: No, I'll be nice. Hello listeners, thanks for tuning in again. Today we're going to do some music and some listener calls, so feel free to give us a ring at the station number—it's on the website, go look it up if it's not in your phone already—during any of the songs I play, and if you're the first caller then lucky you! You can recommend a song, ask a question, whatever, just be cool. If you say some bullsh*t I'm hanging up on you and then shaming you, and I promise no insult you try to level at me will be worth the hellfire I rain down upon you after when you're not able to defend yourself because I've disconnected the call and blocked your number.

BEAU: Okay? Okay. Great. Here's the first song of tonight, Killing Time by City and Colour. I like this one because it's kinda moody, and I am too. Perfect fit.

[Killing Time by City and Colour]

BEAU: All right, we have our first caller! Go ahead and introduce yourself to the people and tell us why you called.

RANDOM STUDENT: Um, hi. I'm Alina and I'm a sophomore uh, studying economics and minoring in opera.

BEAU: Whoa, opera. That's different.

RANDOM STUDENT: Yeah, what can I say, I love to sing in Italian. [awkward pause] Um, right, so I'm calling because I wanted your advice on something actually.

BEAU: Hit me.

RANDOM STUDENT: Well there's this guy in my econ program...I hope he's not listening to this right now...and he asked me on a date. But I'm really not interested? He's kind of an alpha male type and I'm not the kind of girl who would be happy going golfing with his boring family and clapping when he makes par while secretly staring at his sister or picking at a salad while he and his friends eat burgers because it's what's expected of me, so I don't really know what to do.

BEAU: Okay, that was incredibly specific. Like, a little too specific. It sounds like you've dated his type before. But uh, I am the wrong person to ask for boy advice. I hate men. Dating women is the only thing that brings me joy in this cruel world and I haven't gotten to do that in a while. I say tell him you think it's a bad match and leave that relationship before it starts, because it sounds like it's already gonna be dead on arrival.

RANDOM STUDENT: Oh. Oh my god. Am I gay?

BEAU: Uhhhhh okay, thanks for calling! Good luck. With that. Let's go to our next song.

[Dead on Arrival by Fall Out Boy]

BEAU: That was Dead on Arrival by Fall Out Boy, which ironically I think is perfect for sexuality crises, new and old. Well, what are ya gonna do. Oh! We have another call coming in. Yeah, hello?

CALEB: Beauregard, hi, this is Caleb Widogast.

BEAU: Caleb, what the fuck are you doing awake?

CALEB: Are you allowed to be swearing on the radio?

BEAU: Ah, frick. Sorry, it's just my natural reaction to hearing your voice. Let me try again: What the [beep] are you doing awake?

CALEB: Did you just make the censorship sound with your mouth?

BEAU: I mean, yeah. We're live for real, there's no sound guy in here at three thirty in the morning monitoring us. Thank god.

CALEB: Right, just checking. Anyway, I had a request for a song. Can you play Anton Bruckner’s Symphony no. 1 in C-minor, preferably the allegro?

BEAU [interrupting]: God, are you going to listen to this while studying? You're such a nerd, I can't believe you're using me like your own personal streaming service and making me subject my listeners to this. I have a really dedicated fanbase and I did not get it by messing around and playing songs that no real person would enjoy.

CALEB: I would enjoy it.

BEAU: Ugh, I hate you. Fine.

[Anton Bruckner Symphony no. 1 in C-minor, WAB 101: I. Allegro]

BEAU: Okay, that was enough excitement for one day. I'm gonna play us out with mostly music for the next hour and a half, so get excited to learn some new music and find new favorites, since you wouldn't be awake right now if you were the kind of well-adjusted person who only wants to listen to top 40 songs.

[I Don’t Like Who I Was Then - The Wonder Years]

[Jackrabbit - San Fermin]

[Can I - Kiana Lede]

/

JESTER: Good morning you guys! Can you believe it's already my second shift in the morning? I feel like it's been forever. I got a couple of messages in the last few days and one of you asked if I could talk a little bit about my opinions on our school.

JESTER: I can! I am a pretty positive person so this is going to be pretty positive, though, just so you know. But I like it! I'm studying to be a nurse so my classes are kind of hard, but not in a bad way, it just keeps me busy. Taking this shift actually really helps me focus and study more since I'm awake earlier, so thank you Fjord! And thank you Beau, who was the one who recommended me. I got to talk to her this morning for the first time in like almost _three days_ and it was really nice! We just sat down together and talked about the radio and who we thought was going to be the most improved host at the end of year awards this year. Don't tell her I said this but I actually think it's going to be Beau, she's really cool and her show is so good.

JESTER: Oh, right, the school. Yeah I'm from Nicodranas originally so it was kind of an adjustment but I totally think it was worth it. Also, if you're far away from home then I really recommend the out of province student club! We throw some fun parties and hang out with each other and go on little excursions sometimes.

JESTER: Shoot, this is when Fjord usually plays a song I think. Okay here you go!

[Ocean by Martin Garrix ft. Khalid]

JESTER: Whew, this radio host thing is kind of hard. But don't worry you guys, I'm not going to give up.

JESTER: So I wanted to talk about a new topic today, which is the best places on campus to _nap_. You know how sometimes you have a really long day and like two hours between classes, so it's not worth it to go home and then come back but you still want to get some rest and not have to feel so tired? Yeah. You gotta nap.

JESTER: Coming in at number three—between the stacks on the sixth floor of the History library. Hear me out: I know most people don't really like sleeping on the ground if they don't have to, but I think it can be kind of cool! Seriously, no one ever checks if anyone is sleeping there, and all the other students who go up there just want to be left alone. It's number three on this list though because if you snore or talk in your sleep then you'll definitely get woken up by someone who's mad, so you have to be really sure you can be quiet, shhhh.

JESTER: Number two—on the grass by Senior Hill! I love sleeping on grass, it feels so peaceful and when you can find shade on a warm day it's the best thing in the _whole_ world, seriously. No one bugs you unless your friend sees you and wants to give you a hug or something, but usually it's fine. The only issue is if it's raining. Then I would not recommend this spot.

JESTER: And finally, number one—your friend's apartment that's basically _right_ on campus. Like, right there. If you're as lucky as me, you met this girl at orientation as a little freshman, and she was kind of rude to you but you actually thought she was super cool, and eventually you became really close friends and she lets you sleep on her couch or even in her bed sometimes if she's home and you have a long day.

JESTER: One time she made me this really yummy tea that she said was a blend her mom made that had no caffeine and she brought it to me before I fell asleep and then I think maybe she was petting my hair a little bit? It was hard to tell because I was so sleepy, you know, but I felt so cozy and she sat by me until I was asleep.

JESTER: So yeah! That's my list of top three places to sleep on campus. I don't accept criticism on any of my lists, but you can email the station if you want to send your own and maybe I'll read it next time!

JESTER: For the rest of my time I'm gonna talk about ummm— oh yeah! I'm gonna talk about the best and worst snacks to bring with you to a big lecture. [fading out] So first of all you have to know what kind of professor you have...

/

BEAU: Ugh, morning. Or night, whatever. Sometimes I want to go back in time and hit past Beau over the back of the head for ever agreeing to this godforsaken slot. Seriously, who allowed me to do that?

BEAU: ...I mean, Molly did. Back when— 

BEAU: Never mind. I just wanted to complain for a sec. But welcome back to my show, which is a little horrible but mostly kind of good if you're looking for interesting music to listen to or whatever.

BEAU: Speaking of, let's just jump straight into a song.

[Go! by Tones on Tail]

BEAU: That was Go! by Tones on Tail. Guys, to be honest, I'm not really feeling the whole chatty solo radio show persona today, so we're gonna take some listener calls. Go ahead and call the number on the station website and I'll pick up. You can ask me a question, plug a club or event, offer suggestions to people, or b-word about your ish.

BEAU: Yeah, Caleb, I remembered the no-swearing rule this time. I'm usually pretty good at it, actually, so— [tinny: ELDRITCH BLAST] Ah, shit, he texted me. Shit, sorry. No swearing. Shoot.

BEAU: [under her breath] What does he even want right now? Dude, I’m on air, why are you not asleep—

BEAU: Oh, a caller. Hello? It's Beau, you're on air.

CALLER: Hi Beau, can I be anonymous for this call?

BEAU: Depends, are you gonna be a menace or are you gonna be cool?

CALLER: Cool, I think.

BEAU: Okay, whatever. That's fine. What did you want to talk about?

CALLER: I wanted to ask for some advice, actually. Last week you helped that girl figure out her sexuality, and I've been questioning some stuff lately.

BEAU: [faintly] Oh god.

CALLER: It's just, there's this guy on the rowing team, and I'm not on the rowing team but I know a bunch of them, [voice shaking] we rub elbows at parties and stuff. Um, sorry, I'm nervous. But I feel like I can say this stuff right now since it's so late and you don't really care about how this goes either way. So I've been talking to him a lot lately, and he called me, um. Baby? He called me baby. Over text. And I thought I was straight but I'm starting to think I'm not, because I'm freaking out a little. Any advice?

BEAU: I mean, that sounds super gay, dude.

CALLER: Yeah, but how do you know for sure?

BEAU: [sigh—you can hear her decide to take this seriously] It's different for everyone. For me, I've kind of always known. I was never interested in men, I thought heterosexuality was a scam, and the last thing I wanted was to make my parents proud by marrying some guy and being a perfect housewife. I couldn't imagine anything worse than that. And then I met this girl in high school, and I fell just... completely head over heels. Stupid in love.

BEAU: I don't recommend falling in love with someone who's straight, okay? I'm not saying that. But letting myself feel the way I did about her, even before I realized how doomed it was, just made me think that being gay didn't have to be this horrible scary thing. It didn't end well, but I find some joy in it now, sometimes. When I look at a girl and I think she's hot and that doesn't make me feel upset or freaked out inside... yeah.

BEAU: You don't choose who you love, but you sure as shit can choose how you're gonna feel about it. It doesn't matter if other people are mad or weird about it. It doesn't matter if you've been told something different your whole life. If you choose to be happy about it, to love yourself no matter what... that's what matters, okay?

BEAU: Sorry for swearing.

CALLER: I— thank you, wow. Thank you. I'm gonna think about this, but thank you so much.

BEAU: [shifting back to discomfort] Yeah, whatever. No biggie. Good luck out there.

CALLER: You too.

[call disconnects]

[moment of silence]

BEAU: [like she's remembering she's on air] Um, okay, great, here's Alanis’ Interlude by Alanis Morissette and Halsey. 

[Alanis’ Interlude by Alanis Morissette and Halsey, fade out]

/

JESTER: Hi everyone! Good morning! How's it going? Haha, I know you can't answer me—or, you can, I guess, but I'm not gonna hear it because you're probably at home or in the car or something and I'm in the station—but you should still check in with yourself and figure out how you're doing! My mama always said it's most important to know yourself first and then you can figure everything else out based on that.

JESTER: Aaaanyway, today I want to answer some more questions you sent into the station! I didn't think so many of you would be listening but apparently some of you listen to me while you're doing your early morning gym time?

JESTER: Fjord was probably better at this, but I've always wanted to be a personal trainer a little bit, so—Go! Fight! Win! Lift more! Yeah!!

JESTER: So one person wanted to know if I think that being on radio makes me cooler than other people on campus, so I just wanted to clear that up! I think I'm pretty cool but really I just think that because I'm nice to people and I work hard, you know. It's not a big thing.

JESTER: Honestly, if you want to talk about cool, you should listen to my friend Beau's show. It's right before this one from three to five so I know most of you guys aren't going to be awake for it, but there's broadcast archives you can request. I like to listen to her show in the afternoons usually, so I'm going to listen to today's show later after my second class and I'm excited!

JESTER: One other question I got was about my music taste! It's not like a really specific taste because I grew up listening to a lot of things but I do like some kinds of songs more than others, yeah!

JESTER: My favorites are pop and like pop-rock, and then some more alternative things. I like music to be bright when I feel bright and mellow when I feel mellow, as long as it matches my mood it's good. I don't play a lot of songs on this show because I like to talk about things but I can do a little more music if you want me to! Here's a song I've really been liking lately.

[Put the Fire Out by The Colourist]

JESTER: That was fun right? I like to go on runs listening to that song, it gets me really HYPED. Like you should be if you're working out right now! Get hyped! Put the fire out!

JESTER: I did want to ask if you want me to play more music or do more lists of things or what, because I'm still figuring out this show, so please send your thoughts to the station email. I'm looking forward to hearing from you!

JESTER: Also I only saw Beau really briefly earlier but I think maybe she was kind of emotional from her show? I'll find out later when I ask Caleb about it but it made me sad to see her like that, she's always so strong and stuff. I hope everything is okay with her. She really shouldn't feel like she needs to be strong all the time. That's my advice for you guys today: if you're sad then you don't have to pretend not to be, and actually your friends will probably appreciate it if you let them help you when you're having a hard time, because it shows that you trust them enough to be vulnerable with them.

JESTER: Okay, I just wanted to say that. Let's spend the rest of this show talking about cupcakes! [Fading out] There are six different cupcake places within driving distance of campus, and I'm going to tell you which ones are worth the drive and what you should order.

/

BEAU: Hey everyone, welcome back. Sorry about Saturday's show, I was a little, ha. Off, I guess. Thanks for your emails, though, it was nice to hear that me rambling like that helped some of you even though I am definitely not qualified to be telling people how to live their lives or anything.

BEAU: We're gonna kick off today's show with a pretty chill song, I really like this one.

[Undo by Transviolet]

BEAU: That was Undo by Transviolet, I've been listening to it a lot lately thinking about... stuff. Things. You know.

BEAU: From the emails you all sent after last show, it seems like you actually want me to do even more caller stuff than I was before, which works for me. I'm bad at thinking of things to just talk about without other people being around.

BEAU: You know, this was originally supposed to be a two person show? Ha. Yeah, we had a whole plan, we were gonna do this antagonistic best friends schtick. It wasn't gonna be that far off from the truth honestly, just kinda played up. But it, um, it didn't work out. Unfortunately. So we didn't get any farther than the planning stages, and I started doing this shift alone.

BEAU: So if you want to call in, you can do that now. I— oh, hi, this is Beau, you're on air.

RANDO: Hello, Beau?

BEAU: Yeah, I said it was Beau. What's up?

RANDO: I heard you give out good relationship advice. My girlfriend keeps setting unrealistic expectations for me, and I need help figuring out what to say to her.

BEAU: Okay... what kind of expectations is she setting?

RANDO: Let me just give you an example. The other day, I came home late from my buddy's house where we had been smoking, and she was so pissy that I'd forgotten we were supposed to have a date. But do you know what the date plan was? Drinking one glass of red wine and doing a puzzle! She's the most boring person in the world but as soon as I stop fawning over her stupid plans she tries to tell me I need to compromise. Ugh.

BEAU: I don't even know where to start with that.

RANDO: I know, right? I've tried—

BEAU: Nuh-uh, you are _done_ speaking. Do you even understand how much of a grade a prick you sound like right now? Oh my god, I feel like i need to tell the audience this wasn't scripted, you sound like a made for tv movie villain.

RANDO: It's not my fault she's boring.

BEAU: Hey, @ this little binch's girlfriend, I really hope you're listening to this, because I am giving you express permission to dump his ass. Kick him to the curb. You deserve so much better than this. God, dude, _seriously_ , you suck.

RANDO: I don't think that's fair to—

[call disconnects]

BEAU: Yeah, I hung up on him. Wow, what a nightmare. That poor girl. Okay, callers who are not total a-holes, give me a ring. I need a palate cleanser.

[pause]

BEAU: Yeah, hi, it's Beau. What's on your mind?

CRYING GIRL: How do I make this boy from my stats class love me?

BEAU: [heavy sigh] Ah, here we go. [fading out] Okay, sure, fine. Tell me more about this boy.

/

JESTER: Good MORNING! Woohoo! Morning! It's a great day to reach your goals and be happy! This is Jester and you're listening to the university radio station at Five! In! The! Morning!

JESTER: Woo, okay, that took a lot out of me, but that's okay because I never really run out of energy, it's one of my best qualities. My mama always said that I was hard to keep up with as a kid and I chose to take that as a compliment because I think it's a great way to live.

JESTER: A bunch of you asked but no, I don't drink coffee! I do drink milk, though, so my bones stay strong. And I'm taking a weightlifting class, which makes me sore but I think has improved my overall health, so I guess you could say me being awake at this time is all natural, baby.

JESTER: I'm really happy you're all listening to this right now! It makes me happy to know that people like to hear what I have to say, especially since I was new this semester.

JESTER: Now, one of you asked a very personal question. And I'm gonna answer it, but don't go thinking you can just ask me whatever you want! I mean, I guess you can, but I won't answer everything. I just thought this one was cute.

JESTER: It said, Hi Jester, do you have a crush on anyone? Would you tell us about them?

JESTER: Cute, right! Super cute. And ummm I wasn't gonna say anything exactly, but I do have a crush, yes. Just a little one. Well, it's not that little. But I don't talk about it that much because if they find out then I think it might make things kind of awkward, if that makes sense? I don't know, I don't usually get nervous about these things, but they're really cool and nice and I think maybe they would feel pressured if they knew I felt this way.

JESTER: I don't know, am I being silly? I don't want to ruin our friendship. They're really important to me. I think it would be worse to lose them as a friend than it would be to just keep going like this, where like, we're not dating, but they don't have to worry about me and my feelings. Even though I don’t really like hiding my feelings just in general.

JESTER: Oh, you wanted to hear about them. Okay I'm going to keep it a little bit vague because, you know. But they're really nice and brave, and they have really amazing eyes, and I think they would do anything for me which is scary but really amazing. And when I talk to them about stuff they always listen so carefully and that means a lot to me. It just... they're really special to me. So um, that's all!

JESTER: Here's a song!

[Sleepover by Hayley Kiyoko]

JESTER: Woo boy, okay I answered a question _and_ I played a song so I think I'm amazing at this whole radio host thing. Thank you in advance for agreeing that I'm super cool and professional and impressive.

JESTER: Today we're going to talk about the best places to get late night snacks! If it's after midnight and you're hungry, here are the top eight things you can do to fix your craving. [fading out] Well okay number eight is technically just the twenty-four hour grocery store, but it's really...

/

BEAU: Does anyone listen to this time slot anymore? I feel like now that midterms are over people are catching up on sleep mostly. Which, more power to you. Wish that were me sometimes, but I also think I'd miss it a little bit.

BEAU: This might be weird, but I walk from my place to the station. It's only a few minutes. And before you guys go all protective on me, I'm trained in multiple martial arts, anyone who approaches me should be more scared that they'll be the ones getting messed up.

BEAU: It's just peaceful at night. Now that things are warming up a little bit, the walk is pretty pleasant, all things considered. When you can see the stars and everything is quiet, I don't know, it kind of feels like you could be the only person in the world. It gives me a chance to think about stuff. Sometimes I listen to Keg's show before mine, but most of the time—sorry Keg—I just listen to music and try to focus on how everything feels.

BEAU: I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. This is your guys' fault, honestly. I think asking me to give you advice all the time has made me think harder about stuff just in general. It's exhausting. Though it's not all bad.

BEAU: I got some questions via email the last couple days that I'm not gonna answer. A couple about the whole two-person show thing, which, not your business, and a few about Jester's last show and her. Uh. Her crush, or whatever. But that's her business, not mine.

BEAU: I'm gonna take calls again today after this song, but if you bring up either of those things, you're not staying on air. Capiche? Great.

[The Navesink Banks by The Gaslight Anthem]

BEAU: That was The Navesink Banks by The Gaslight Anthem, and we have a caller on the line.

CALLER: Hi Beau, what's your view on dressing up to see someone you're into?

BEAU: Really? Dress however you want. I mean, if it makes you feel good to dress a certain way then that's great, confidence, whatever, but you need to decide what you want from them first? There's a difference between a first date outfit and a just-wanna-get-laid outfit. You know?

CALLER: That makes a lot of sense! Thanks Beau, I don't know what we would do without your relationship advice, you're like a guru.

BEAU: [spluttering] I am _not_ a guru. I didn't ask for this. Why are you all doing this to me?

CALLER: You should be an advice columnist. Like a "Dear Debby" kind of thing. Wait, are you in a relationship?

BEAU: Nah, I'm single.

CALLER: Well, do you like anyone?

BEAU: That's honestly not any of your business, no offense. And even if I did like anyone, I wouldn't talk about it on this show where someone could hear me. It's not my style, and I think it just puts people on the spot when they don't wanna be. There's literally no reason to do that. Like, what if someone else likes you, and they hear you talking about your crush? Wouldn’t that break their heart a little? I don’t know, I just think it’s a bad idea. Bye.

BEAU: Oh, another caller is waiting. Okay, hi, who are you and what are you calling about?

CALEB: Ja, hi Beauregard, this is Caleb Widogast.

BEAU: [groans] Again? Caleb, we need to have a talk about your sleep schedule.

CALEB: I do not have a sleep schedule.

BEAU: Yeah, exactly. God, okay, what do you want?

CALEB: I do not, as a rule, like to meddle in my friends' affairs, but I really think you should consider listening to Jester's show again without making assumption—

[call disconnects]

BEAU: [sarcastically] Oh no, the call dropped.

BEAU: [meanly] Anyone else?

/

JESTER: [a bit subdued but trying to be peppy] Oh hey guys, good morning. It's Jester! here with your morning, um, show. Your morning radio. I was thinking about it and I don't think I want to talk any more about my crush right now so thank you for your questions but I want to talk about other things instead, thank you!

JESTER: Actually let's maybe start with a song.

[You’re Somebody Else by flora cash]

JESTER: A little bit of a quieter one that time but that's my mood. You can't be happy all the time, right?

JESTER: [low, to herself] Right.

JESTER: So today we are going to be talking about some fun extracurricular activities you can join. You can join table tennis if you like to do that, or you can find other intramural sports that are recruiting for Spring or even Summer if you want to wait a little bit, or you can— you can—

JESTER: Sorry you guys, I really wanted to be happy for you this morning, but I don't think it's gonna be a very good show if I keep pretending.

JESTER: Um, I'm gonna play some more songs.

[Armour by Rae Spoon]

[The New Great Depression by The Moth & The Flame]

[Detlef Schrempf - Band of Horses]

/

BEAU: Morning. Night. Whatever you wanna call it.

BEAU: I just want to say something. I never— I didn't ask to be some love guru. I'm not good at relationships, never have been, and I'm even worse at trying to do things without strings attached. I fall for people, and I feel stupid about it, and it makes me defensive and prickly. So I'm sorry if I've been rude to you guys, even though most of you seemed to actually enjoy that? Which is your own issue, don't pin that on me.

BEAU: So no, I don't want to talk about it, but I shouldn't have been so aggressive. Didn't mean to sound like such a piece of... you know. And if you want to ask me questions about relationships or whatever, that's fine, I just feel like you should know some things about me before you assume I have things figured out.

BEAU: I spent most of last year trying to get into a girl's pants, and then when I did I realized that I was already completely head over heels for her. And she didn't feel the same, she was just looking for some fun and I never implied I wanted something else, and that messed me up.

BEAU: And I've ruined friendships, I've been mean to people I like because I was scared, I've made mistakes. Lots. Maybe that's why I'm decent at this advice thing. I know what not to do.

BEAU: So please don't assume I know what I'm doing, because I don't. Just try to remember I'm a person with feelings who isn't actually all that good at these things, and we're cool. Also like, some of you genuinely do have pretty stupid questions. It's not that hard to not be a horrible person. I mean, I just said I kind of am one, but at least I know that's my fault. I’m working on it.

BEAU: Whoosh, okay, god. Here's a song to make up for that word vomit.

[when the party’s over by Billie Eilish]

BEAU: That was when the party’s over by Billie Eilish, you've probably heard it before but it felt appropriate for the moment.

BEAU: Oh, a call. All right, hi, this is Beau, what do you want to say?

VETH: Beau! It's Veth!

BEAU: Are you with Caleb?

VETH: Yes! He was listening to your show. It's my first time listening. First time caller, first time listener! I just wanted to remind you that this is your show. Why are you taking calls from people you think are dumb? Just hang up on them.

BEAU: You know what? You're right.

[call disconnects]

BEAU: Ah, never a bad reminder to get, right? Anyway, let's listen to another song.

[Blood in the Cut by K.Flay]

BEAU: That was Blood in the Cut by K.Flay. I'm gonna take just one more caller tonight, and then we'll do some more music. I kind of just want to hang out for a bit tonight. It's been a rough week, not gonna lie.

BEAU: School's fine, it's not that. Being a philosophy major mostly requires two things: wanting to spite your parents by spending their money on a useless degree, and being disgustingly curious and argumentative about the way the world works. So I've got that down pat.

BEAU: Just dealing with some stuff. Uh, thinking about things.

BEAU: Actually... there is— oh! Caller. Hey, what's up, Beau here. What did you want to say on the radio?

CADUCEUS: Beau, hi, how are you?

BEAU: Oh, Caduceus. Hey, fine. Why are you calling in at [pause to check time] 3:20 in the morning?

CADUCEUS: I was hoping for some advice, if you could spare some.

BEAU: I can try. I feel like I usually come to you for advice, though.

CADUCEUS: Well, we'll see. My issue is that I have these two friends. One of them is just the sweetest, she's a gumdrop in human form really. And the other is a little cranky, but she has a good heart. And they like each other, but they won't admit it.

BEAU: Okay, and you want to do something about it? Convince them to talk to each other?

CADUCEUS: Really, I just want them to realize what they could have if they pay attention to what's right in front of them. They're both nervous to ruin a strong friendship, but I'm worried they'll just hurt each other with unintentional miscommunication.

BEAU: Deucey, I'm gonna give you some real advice, because this sounds like a tough one. But I think they need to come to the realization on their own. It's not really the same if you tell them, because they probably won't believe you. Trust me, when you're that deep in denial, there's not really a lot that can be done aside from hope they wake up. It's frustrating, but that's growing up, right? Knowing yourself well enough to not hurt other people. Trying not to, at least.

BEAU: And it is scary to ruin a friendship, but sometimes being in denial like that will just ruin it anyway. So I get that.

BEAU: To be honest, especially in relationships with women, they can be waiting for the other to make a move, because we're socialized our whole lives to, uh... [realizing] to need the other person to be sure. To make other people happy first. And they might not realize... Um.

CADUCEUS: Um?

BEAU: Hey, Caduceus, you wanna do me a favor?

CADUCEUS: Oh, sure, what is it?

BEAU: Well, there's a girl sleeping in my bed right now. She came over yesterday upset, and I couldn't figure out why. But I, I think I know now.

CADUCEUS: Ah. You want me to finish your show for you?

BEAU: Would you?

CADUCEUS: Sure, sure, of course.

BEAU: Thanks, man. I'm gonna— let me just throw on a song, and then it'll be you until five. Just don't hang up.

CADUCEUS: Don't hang up. Easy enough. Good luck.

BEAU: Thanks.

[Talk Too Much by COIN]

/

JESTER: Oh my god you guys, can you believe I got a new radio slot? Well okay it was kind of assigned to me, I missed my last morning shift, I'm sorry, I had some veryyyy important things to take care of, and my girlfriend said it would be fine. Thank you Caduceus for being on the phone for almost four straight hours we love youuuu!

JESTER: Oh yeah, I have a girlfriend now. It’s pret-ty cool. She’s like really buff and cool and she made me tea to apologize for waking me up, and then she apologized for hurting my feelings even though she didn’t even really know why my feelings were hurt, and then we made out a bunch on the couch, and—

JESTER: I’ll tell you guys more later, I’m just really happy! And I’m gonna play a song to show you all how happy I am!

[I’d Be Your Wife - Mary Lambert]

JESTER: Aaaaaaaah it’s so cool to be someone’s girlfriend you guys I really recommend it! And if you need advice on how to do it then I think Beau is really good at giving it so listen to her show in about ten hours.

JESTER: Otherwise it’s back to your regularly scheduled food reviews! This morning I tried a recipe for lemon meringue cake from the university’s charity recipe book and let me just say… it was not great. [Fading out] Here are my twelve recommendations for how you could do it better…

/

BEAU: Hey everyone. Happy three A.M. Sorry about last time, things got a little intense. Everything is figured out, though.

BEAU: For all the people who were asking about my personal life—I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again, none of your business. Thanks for worrying, but everything’s fine. Better than fine, honestly. So keep your nose out of it.

BEAU: For today, I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who listens, whether you listen all three shows a week or just every once in a while. Hell, maybe this is your first show.

BEAU: Being a college student is weird. Messy. I think I forgot that I can still be figuring myself out, and that I don’t have to do that by myself.

BEAU: Ugh, that was sappy. Whatever. I’m not good at talking, so today’s gonna be mostly music. Here’s the first song.

[Pursuit of Happiness by Lissie]

/

BONUS

FJORD: [British] Fjord here, I’m back from semester at sea. I see there are fingerprints of… is that powdered sugar on my notebook? And a polaroid of Beau and… _oh_. Oh, wow.

FJORD: Um, Beau? Anyone here?

FJORD: [muttering to himself] you leave for three months and—

FJORD: All right, listeners, help me out here. What all did I miss?

/

**Author's Note:**

> Put the Fire Out by The Colourist, I Want Candy by Bow Wow Wow, You’re Somebody Else by flora cash, and The New Great Depression by The Moth & The Flame are from the official Jester playlist #1, Blood in the Cut by K.Flay and Pursuit of Happiness by Lissie are from the official Beau playlist #1, I Need a Woman to Love by Kesha and Undo by Transviolet are from the official Beau playlist #2, and Ocean by Martin Garrix ft. Khalid and Go! by Tones on Tail are from the official Fjord playlist #1 and the official Molly playlist, respectively. The rest of the music comes from our impeccable and definitely very coherent combined music taste.
> 
> some highlights from our group chat:  
> "my kink is healthy communication" "also the common factor here: It's Gonna Be About Girls" "thank u for improving my initial suggestion of fjord being out on medical leave for ingesting a weird substance" "hearing you say "this little binch" sparks joy actually" "university logos are surprisingly easy to make" "anton bruckner is rolling in his grave but i feel like that's a good thing" "who among us has not made distressed noises while trying to edit something" "i can't believe talk too much by coin is going to make me tear up" "Liam Include This In The Intermission Art Reel You Coward"


End file.
